Let’s Talk About Love Languages

You’ve heard of love languages, right?

Of course you have!

If you haven’t read the book or taken the official love language test, you’ve probably seen it in hashtags and captions like

Date night is my love language

My love language is tacos

or even

Toppling the bourgeoisie is my love language

(Okay, maybe not that last one, but you get the point.)

Although the original book turns 28 this year, love languages are as relevant as ever — and with a broader, younger audience.

But that exposure brings the risk of devaluing the concept behind the original theory.

Ashley Fetters, who warned against the misinterpretation of love languages, put it best:

“This self-focused way of discussing love languages is very different from what the concept’s inventor seems to have intended. 

And what did the inventor intend in the first place?

Love Languages Aren’t Just For Couples

Gary Chapman, the mind behind the theory, speculated how we generally show love reflects our preference to receive it.

According to him, everyone has a primary and secondary love language:

• Words of affirmation
• Acts of service
• Receiving gifts
• Quality time
• Physical touch

He explains that showing love in the language best understood by each partner enhances communication and leads to a happier relationship.

But just like they aren’t a personality test, they also aren’t exclusively for couples.

Their applicability extends far beyond the sphere of romance.

Learning your love language is highly beneficial for inter- and intra-personal development.

And that’s because…

Love Languages Are A Tool for Improvement

But how?

Because they offer valuable insight and lead to a deeper understanding of our relationships with others.

According to Chapman, if you want to find out what someone’s love language is, you should note:

• How they show love to others
• Common complaints and needs from their S.O. (or other relationships)

So by their very nature, they make you look outside of yourself and become more mindful of others’ needs.

The Other Great Communicator

 

The better you know yourself, the better you can help others know you. And the more others know you, the more they are able to love you the way you want. That stands for everyone in your life, including friends. —Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT

Love languages highlight patterns that reveal what emotionally boosts you.

And that awareness is something you can apply to any relationship.

Here’s something for you:

Let’s say your love language is quality time, and your friend’s is words of affirmation.

If your friend repeatedly can’t hang out with you on weekends, you might start feeling burned.

On the other side of the coin, she might rely on text messages throughout the week to stay in touch.

But if you’re bad at texting back, she might begin feeling the same way.

You know that she cares about your friendship even if you don’t see each other often.

And she knows that you’re bad at texting everyone (not just her).

But at some point, this disconnect could lead to an imbalance in your friendship.

Just like Chapman said, love languages are a form of communication.

Obviously, not everyone shares the same language.

And we can agree that it’s unreasonable to expect everyone in your life to share yours.

But when you take the time to show you care by appealing to their language, they will recognize it.

And they’ll appreciate your effort to “speak their language.”

Love Languages Teach You How to Love Yourself

 

Knowing your own love language is a bit like knowing a chapter in your own owner’s manual.  —Rebecca Hendrix

Here’s something more people need to recognize:

The most crucial relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself.

The recognition of the value that self-love and self-care have are some of the most positive cultural developments of the last few years.

But as much as we talk about it, do we really practice it?

Sure, you may occasionally treat yourself to some form of self-care, whatever it may be.

But does it fulfill you?

And besides, what’s the point of self-care if you continuously tear yourself down internally?

At the risk of sounding cliche, it’s no secret that if you want to live a happy, fulfilled life, you need to love yourself first.

It’s so difficult!

But it’s not impossible.

The journey to self-love has many paths, and all of them have their obstacles.

From Joyce Marter, LCPC:

 

Many of us look for happiness outside of ourselves. We’re looking for the perfect job, or the perfect relationship, or the bank account, or we’re focused on the externals. And really, joy and happiness can be found inside of us.

And how do we find that good stuff?

Well, knowing your love language is one way to start.

Remember that they help recognize patterns in our lives where we find emotional satisfaction.

In addition, Marter states that knowing your preferences for receiving love relieves your dependency on others. 

You know why?

Because you can meet your needs on your own! 

Self-reliance builds self-confidence, which supports you along the path of self-love.

Of course, it’s asinine to deny the significance that exterior influences have on your life.

There are always going to be bumps and bad situations that make the long road seem even more arduous.

But as you build yourself up, you form habits and patterns that make you better equipped to handle those obstacles.

Does that make sense?

 

Easy Ways You Can Use Your Love Language For Self-Love

Remember:

You’re not a narcissist or a selfish person for caring for yourself.

If anything, you’re doing others a favor.

Becoming a better version of yourself will make you better equipped to meet the needs of loved ones and show you care more effectively.

So, if your love language is…

Words of Affirmation

Think of a positive affirmation, mantra, phrase, etc. for yourself and repeat it to yourself throughout the day.

Acknowledge your successes and accomplishments at the end of the day, no matter how big or small they were.

Did you…

• Go to the gym?
• Stay home and cook instead of going out to eat?
• Say no to an extra responsibility so you could have more time for yourself?

Clap yourself on the back because you deserve praise, too.

Whatever your brain tells you, you need to support yourself with kind words as much as you do to others.

Acts of Service

You do many things for others to show you care — so why not do the same for yourself?

Think of something that you’ve wanted to accomplish for a while.

Something like…

• Deep cleaning your car
• Reorganizing your clothes
• Finally shipping that package you’ve meant to return

What seems like a chore to someone else could be an excellent way for you to take care of yourself.

The next time you get in your car, open your closet or walk past your front door, you won’t have the burden of that to-do anymore.

Receiving Gifts

There’s nothing wrong with treating yourself, but don’t cause more stress by spending outside of your means.

You can do little things for yourself to brighten your day, like buying a house plant to brighten your home, or just picking wildflowers on your next walk.

Quality Time

When’s the last time you had some peace and quiet?

Making time for yourself is vital because it gives your mind a chance to recharge and be better prepared for what’s next.

Also, it’s the perfect time for you to practice other self-care habits.

Physical Touch

 

Your body is a temple, right?

So why not honor it as literally or figuratively as you want?

Stretching, wearing comfy clothes, and giving yourself a massage are all simple ways you can care for yourself and practice this language.

Love Languages Help You Honor Yourself and Others

I’m curious to know your love language, so leave a comment below!

Right now, things are really, really weird.

(A global pandemic has that effect, doesn’t it?)

The world is our oyster. That’s why we have to look out and care for each other and ourselves.

There’s a new post each week, so check the Blog and stay tuned for things like time management tips and more!

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Sources

• Brown, Kara Jillian. “Use the 5 Love Languages to Boost the Most Important Relationship in Your Life: the One with Yourself.” Well Good, 24 Jan. 2020, www.wellandgood.com/good-advice/how-to-love-yourself-love-language/.
• Fetters, Ashley. “It Isn’t About Your Love Language; It’s About Your Partner’s.” The Atlantic, Atlantic Media Company, 20 Oct. 2019, www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/10/how-the-five-love-languages-gets-misinterpreted/600283/.
• Kassel, Gabrielle. “How to Use Love Languages to Be the Best Possible Friend to All the VIPs in Your Life.” Well Good, 24 Jan. 2020, www.wellandgood.com/good-advice/what-is-my-love-language-for-friendship/.
• Marter, Joyce. “Applying the 5 Love Languages to Self-Love: How to Love Yourself.” Psych Central.com, 15 Feb. 2016, blogs.psychcentral.com/success/2016/02/applying-the-5-love-languages-to-self-love-how-to-love-yourself/.
• “The Five Love Languages.” Wikipedia, Wikimedia Foundation, 27 Feb. 2020, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages.